There’s a very good chance that if you’re reading this, there’s a part of you that feels something is wrong in your relationship. Maybe you can’t quite put your finger on it. Maybe you’ve just been noticing, and feeling, that something is off.

When it’s good, it’s really good.  But when it’s bad… it’s really bad.

And what used to feel like the occasional rough patch is starting to feel like the new normal. The bad is stretching out, lingering, almost becoming the baseline. You might find yourself confused, doubting your own perception, or wondering if you’re the problem. 

I’m going to walk you through a few clear signs that you might be dating someone or in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder.

The difference between narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic traits is a matter of frequency and degree. A person with narcissistic traits might have two or three consistent traits that line up with a diagnosis of narcissism, but they don’t meet the full criteria. In order to be diagnosed, using the categorical model of narcissistic personality disorder, someone needs to exhibit at least five consistent, pervasive traits. To be honest, a full-blown diagnosis is relatively uncommon in practice. But it’s not nearly as rare in the population as many people think.

The examples I’m going to give you in this article are just a few traits to watch for and think about. I want to be clear; this is not an exhaustive list by any means. However, if you’re in a relationship and some of these traits are really standing out to you, I strongly recommend reaching out to me for a consultation so we can talk about your specific situation.

Persona Disengagement

One of the core features of narcissism is image. How one is perceived is extremely important. Control of perception is everything. A narcissistic person wants to carefully manage how others see them, while simultaneously viewing those same people, including you, as less than them.

If you notice that she acts one way around other people and then, the moment you’re alone, she turns cold, cruel, or demeaning, that’s not random. That’s a mask dropping.

When the spotlight is on, she may be charming, funny, and affectionate. As soon as the audience is gone, she may berate you, talk down to you, or punish you emotionally. That sharp contrast, public warmth and private cruelty, is a strong sign that something deeper is going on.

And I can almost assure you, if nothing changes, it will get worse, not better.

Example of Persona disengagement: 

You’re out with friends or family with your girlfriend or wife. Everyone’s having a good time. But your partner keeps making little barbed comments and jabs at you to get laughs. People chuckle, and on the surface, it looks like just joking, but you’re getting frustrated. This has become normal, you might even say par for the course.

Eventually, you get clever and come up with a small barb of your own. Nothing cruel, just a lighthearted comment that’s funny. After all, she’s poked at you five, six, seven times since you’ve been out, often in ways that subtly belittle you.

You notice her eyes widen as she stares at you, almost as if to say, “How dare you?” But she laughs it off and the evening goes on. Everyone else keeps having fun. She smiles, tells stories, and everything looks fine.

You say goodbye to your friends as they walk away from the restaurant. You turn back to your partner and instantly feel the atmosphere change. Her smile is gone, replaced by a tight, cold expression. The warmth completely vanishes. You can almost feel the air between you freeze.

You reach for her hand as you walk, but she pulls it away. She ices you out.

You ask, “Is everything okay?” She looks at you with an icy glare and says, “How dare you make fun of me.”

You try to explain that you only did it because she kept poking fun at you and you didn’t like it. You’re hoping she’ll hear that you were hurt.

Instead, she spins it on you, “Oh, so that makes it okay? I was just joking. What you did was wrong.”

No matter what you say, it doesn’t land. The drive home is frigid and awkward. She holds it against you for the rest of the night and maybe even into the next day. You’re left feeling confused, guilty, and somehow like you’re the one who’s crossed a line despite being the one who’s been belittled all evening.

It feels like the fight never really ends.

What’s Going On Here?

Narcissism does not like being challenged, and it especially doesn’t like equality. In her mind, the two of you are not equals. A “real man” should be able to take her jabs, but you are absolutely not allowed to lower her perceived status in front of others. Her sense of superiority and grandiosity over the people around her, including her boyfriend or husband is a constant in her inner world. In her mind, she sees her superiority as truth. 

When that superiority is threatened, even slightly, she experiences it as an injury to her ego. Her solution is a form of narcissistic rage which is often hidden behind a persona such as “I’m funny or nice or competent”. That’s why she can keep the mask on in front of friends but then unleash the anger and punishment on you behind closed doors.

Grandiosity and Superiority

Another obvious sign of narcissism is a consistent pattern of acting greater, smarter, or more important than others. When this person talks about themselves, it’s almost taken for granted that they are better than their coworkers, their family, their friends, or their competitors.

They’re not just a writer, they’re the best writer, unfairly criticized by people who “don’t get it.”  They’re not just good at their job, they’re the best, and their boss is an idiot for not seeing it.

There’s a constant theme, I’m special. I’m superior. Others are beneath me.

Example of Grandiosity and Superiority:

You’re hanging out with friends at a restaurant. Your significant other starts talking about her work, maybe as a writer, consultant, or creative professional.

She wastes almost no time dominating the conversation about how she’s a trailblazer in her industry. She explains, with a bit of a smirk, how so many people just “don’t understand,” and how she has to educate all these stuffy, rigid people about what creativity or strategy should look like.

She tells a story about a meeting where she supposedly took control of the room and “educated” everyone. As she talks, you start to notice some things don’t quite add up. You were aware of this meeting, maybe you heard about it in detail, or perhaps you were even on the call. In her version, there were fifteen people in a big boardroom. In reality, you know it was five people on Zoom.

You notice a pattern, her stories always enlarge her importance. They’re structured to show how much more insightful, brilliant, and capable she is than everyone else. She has to constantly rub other people’s noses in how superior she is.

You probably find yourself getting embarrassed more often than not. Other people might find her off-putting or, occasionally, think she’s brilliant and charismatic. You, on the other hand, are painfully aware of how much she exaggerates or outright invents to maintain that sense of importance.

What’s Going On?

Narcissism, like other personality disorders, is built on a faulty sense of reality. There’s a kind of internal rule operating in the background: If I think it/feel it, it’s true. This is connected to what’s called psychic equivalence, the idea that their internal world automatically equals reality, from their perspective.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “fake it until you make it.” For most people, it’s a temporary strategy. For a narcissistic person, it can become a way of life. Their entire identity gets built around a fantasy version of themselves and anything that challenges that fantasy feels intolerable.

When reality starts poking holes in that grandiose image, it often triggers narcissistic rage, withdrawal, or blame. One of their biggest fears is people discovering who they really are beneath the image.

That’s why it’s not uncommon for a woman with strong narcissistic traits, once her partner starts seeing behind the mask, to begin looking for other options, perhaps new people who will still buy into the fantasy and treat her the way she wants to be treated, special. 

Petulance and Childlike Behavior

This one surprises a lot of people.

It’s not unusual for those with personality disorders, like narcissism, to have a childish aspect to their personality that feels incongruent with their age. You’ve probably seen this in life, you meet someone in their 20s, 30s, 40s etc. but certain behaviors seem much younger, almost teenage or pre-teen. It might not be all the time, but you notice it.

There are many reasons for this, but one of them is trait imbalance. Some traits are turned way up, like grandiosity, entitlement, or the need for control, while others are underdeveloped, like self-control, empathy, emotional regulation, or a sense of equality in relationships.

Combine that trait gap with childhood trauma, unstable attachment, or emotional neglect, and you end up with something like emotional arrested development. Part of them grows up; another part stays stuck.

This can make that fun-loving 28-year-old woman you started dating seem:

– Playful but mysterious  

– Exciting but distant  

– Assertive but strangely childish  

At first, it can feel charming and young at heart. Over time, as the novelty wears off, the immaturity becomes harder to ignore. I often describe this as “petulant behavior”, a bratty, sulky, stubborn quality that surfaces when things don’t go her way.

Example Petulance and Childlike Behavior:

You’re having a conversation with your girlfriend or wife. You’re trying to talk about something that’s been bothering you. You’re hoping for at least some understanding or compassion.

Instead, she smirks.

Her face shifts into something that looks more like a mocking teenager than an adult partner. Maybe she repeats your words in a sarcastic tone, rolls her eyes, or makes a face.

You feel confused and hurt. You tell her, “Hey, Stop. I don’t like that and it’s not necessary.”

She fires back, “God, I’m just joking. Why are you so sensitive?”

You give her a long look, trying to decide whether to keep going or shut down. She stands up to put some dishes away, maybe sticks her tongue out or gives you an exaggerated wink. It feels ridiculous, childish, and invalidating.

You notice everything is getting turned around on you. Somehow, you’re now the problem, the “too sensitive” one. Then, when you don’t play along with the childish behavior, she starts to slip into frustration and anger because you’re not capitulating, not rewarding her with compliance or laughter.

The rest of the night, you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.

What’s Going On?

A lot of narcissistic individuals have their emotional “anchor” stuck in a younger part of their life. Internally, they’re often living in a world where they’re constantly trying to gain control, power, and protection. But they’re anchored to a younger emotional age.

They are largely unaware of their childish behavior, mockery, eye-rolling, exaggerated pouting, sardonic barbs, and the impact it has on others. To them, it can feel like they’re just joking or being honest, while to you it feels belittling and dismissive.

This is a form of failed problem-solving through regression, “I don’t like what you’re saying, so I’m going to become a child and mock you, like you deserve.” (Because you are lesser)

The Impact on You

If you’ve been experiencing these kinds of behaviors, persona drops, grandiosity, petulant and childish responses to serious conversations, there’s a very good chance it’s had a lasting impact on you. Even if the relationship is current or long over, the emotional and ego damage can last for years.

With narcissistic trauma, you might notice:

– You second-guess yourself constantly.  

– You feel guilty for having needs or boundaries.  

– You’re overly cautious about bringing things up in new relationships.  

– You scan new partners for red flags, wondering, “Are they going to be like my last girlfriend or wife?”  

– You find yourself tolerating disrespect because it feels familiar.  

– You found that it brought out the worst in you, even getting angry which was uncharacteristic of you. 

– You are afraid of even getting into a new relationship. 

– You try to figure out what went wrong in your last relationship, and it takes up time and space in your mind, months and years later. 

If that’s something you want to work on; if you’re tired of carrying the emotional weight of a past or current relationship like this, and you want to get past it rather than keep repeating the same pattern, then reach out to me.

You don’t have to untangle this alone. Sign up for a free 15-minute consultation and we can set up a time to talk.