There is almost nothing more painful than the grief that comes with infidelity. It can have long-lasting effects on our self-esteem, our trust, and in many ways, change the way we view others, especially relationships moving forward. What often goes unspoken are the negative effects that emotional infidelity has on us. Quiet and insidious, emotional infidelity can go unnoticed for months or even years. When I see men and women come into therapy and describe their lack of trust in others, after a short while, it often comes out that their last partner had either a physical or an emotional affair. The echo of that experience has left a lasting impression.
I’d like to go over two examples of what emotional infidelity can look like. Both of these are not real clients, they are fictitious. However, they give a good idea of what patterns and behaviors may emerge, patterns I’ve seen many times before. As you read them, ask yourself if any of this sounds familiar. It might also be helpful to reflect, if some of this has happened to you, are you carrying it with you into your future relationships? Do you find yourself struggling with trust, questioning whether you are good enough because the partner you believed had your back and truly cared for you was secretly seeking out another? If so, you’re not alone. Many people find themselves wrestling with these feelings, and healing from emotional infidelity is often a process that requires compassion and support.
Michael and Sarah
Michael and Sarah have been in a romantic relationship for a little over three years. While their journey together has had the typical ups and downs, it has predominantly been filled with laughter, shared experiences, and future goals. Michael is known for his dedication to Sarah’s needs, consistently making time for her despite the stressors of his demanding job. He listens patiently as she shares her frustrations about academia and her career, understanding that these moments of connection are an essential part of their bond. They make it a point to enjoy weekly outings at various restaurants and local events, adding excitement to their routine.
Sarah, a talented creative professional, frequently meets potential collaborators, often engaging with new people in her field. Most Friday nights, she can be found rushing out the door to network or attend a convention, while Michael supports her passion by accompanying her whenever he can. Their discussions about marriage are filled with enthusiasm, and Sarah’s excitement about their future together suggests that their relationship is in a healthy place, at least on the surface. Michael does admit that he has concerns with Sarah and getting married, mainly because she can be highly focused on herself, but he does feel that they have a strong bond.
One weekend at a convention, Sarah meets Alex. He’s a charming and driven individual with whom she shares a deep connection and similarities with. Upon returning home, Sarah enthusiastically recounts her experience with Alex, playfully assuring Michael that there is nothing to worry about. But as time progresses, Michael begins to notice subtle changes in Sarah. She grows increasingly withdrawn, more argumentative, and communicative in ways that create distance between them. Her affection for Michael appears to dwindle, leaving him feeling confused and rejected.
In an alarming twist, Michael observes that Sarah has begun to engage in new activities, like exercising and kickboxing, daily focusing on getting in shape. During their time together, she seems to intentionally shield her phone from view and abruptly pauses conversations when he enters the room. When they go out with friends, when Sarah is not the center of attention, telling a story, she is looking at her phone with intensity.
Despite his growing concerns, Michael reassures himself that he has nothing to fear; after all, Alex lives far away in another state. However, when he brings his worries to Sarah, she dismissively insists he’s imagining things. As weeks roll by, the tension escalates. Sarah’s behavior towards Michael becomes increasingly mocking and petulant. (See blog: Men, here are three red flags of narcissism in your female partner).
Ultimately, after nearly six months of Michael chasing after Sarah’s affection, he is blindsided by the reality that Sarah is engaged in an emotional affair with Alex. They’ve been video chatting almost daily while he’s at work, exchanging flirtatious messages and deepening their emotional connection. Sarah remains with Michael for the comforts of companionship, food and a roof over her head, all the while she plots a way to fully embrace her feelings for Alex.
When the relationship with Michael finally comes to an end, it becomes evident just how much Sarah had prepared for this moment, having spent months emotionally detaching herself and distorting her perception of Michael as an obstacle to her happiness. In a matter of weeks after the breakup, Sarah finds herself with Alex, comfortably transitioning into a new chapter of her life. Sadly, in this emotional upheaval, Michael is left to grapple with a reality that Sarah’s “friend” became much more and he was used.
Robert and Jenny
Robert and Jenny’s marriage has flourished over the past seven years. Their relationship began during a work trip. They both worked at the same company and as fate would have it, the two of them were paired up for a project. After that weekend, they were inseparable. They both believed passionately that their love would endure any challenge. Yet, as life often does, their relationship faced changes. After a couple of years, Jenny decided to pursue a new job opportunity, a transition that Robert wholeheartedly supported. Meanwhile, Robert received a promotion that came with increased responsibilities, placing him on a new team where he would meet Taylor, a vibrant and engaging colleague.
For nearly a year, Robert and Taylor developed a close friendship, often sharing lunch breaks and commiserating over struggles in their personal lives. Taylor’s lively personality and ability to make Robert laugh offered him an escape from his mounting responsibilities, and he affectionately dubbed her his “work wife,” a title they both found amusing. Playfully, she would also refer to him as her “work husband”.
As time went on, Jenny began to sense a shift in Robert. She noticed that he had become unusually focused on his appearance, adopting a more health-conscious lifestyle, even going so far as to enroll in a gym. Intimacy between them dwindled, leaving her bewildered and concerned. When she inquired about their relationship, Robert would respond with vague reassurances, maintaining that everything was fine. But as he spent more time at work with Taylor, the emotional distance between them continued to grow.
The tipping point came when Jenny received an unexpected phone call from an old work friend who voiced concern over Robert’s flirtatious behavior with Taylor. Alarm bells went off in Jenny’s mind, prompting her to confront Robert about their unsettling dynamics. With mounting anxiety, she demanded transparency regarding his friendship with Taylor and the changes she had observed over the past year.
Ultimately, Robert confessed that he had developed feelings for Taylor, something that had crept up slowly and unexpectedly. He claimed that while they were just friends, he was torn between his loyalty to Jenny and his escalating emotions for Taylor. Despite his attempts to reassure Jenny that he wanted to salvage their marriage, the emotional distance had already created significant cracks in their once-solid foundation.
What is going on here?
It’s important to recognize that emotional infidelities are insidious. They generally unfold slowly and often without forethought. In both scenarios, the individuals had a choice regarding pursuing the emotional connection. Contrary to popular belief, the primary difference between physical and emotional affairs lies solely in their physicality. Emotional infidelities often require even more attention and nurturing than physical ones. Physical affairs can be a one and done encounter. Emotional affairs take time and connection which slowly build in incremental steps.
In the case of Sarah, she was actively aware that she was cultivating excitement and connection with the mysterious stranger from the convention. Did she fully understand that it would lead to a breakup? Perhaps not. However, the moment secrecy is introduced into a person’s activities from their partner, it signifies a shift toward intent. The intent to hide and obfuscate to avoid getting caught.
There are several signs that couples should be vigilant about when it comes to emotional infidelity:
Physical Appearance
Many reasons motivate a person to pursue health. Perhaps it’s to shed unnecessary weight, become physically fit, or fit into clothes they love. I can assure you, there are some blue jeans and shirts I wish I could still fit into! However, what I’m referring to is different. When a partner suddenly becomes overly focused on their sexual appeal to others, a desire to be deemed “attractive”, but shows little interest in their own partner, it raises red flags. Take, for instance, Robert. He was exercising and attempting to get in shape while simultaneously distancing himself from Jenny.
Why?
Because his obsession with physical appearance was more about how he would be perceived by Taylor and others than about his wife. It transformed into an obsession with garnering glances outside of his relationship or marriage.
Simply put, if your partner is only getting physically fit and exercising while everything else appears normal, no unusual behavior, shady actions, or signs of withdrawal from the relationship, it’s probably fine. However, if they exhibit signs of other concerning behaviors, it might be prudent to investigate further.
Elevating a Third Party
This concept may seem obvious, but many individuals entering emotional affairs do so subconsciously. They might view the new colleague or the acquaintance met at a conference as just a good friend. The issue arises when this friendship transitions into something more.
Often, those who are involved in emotional infidelity will mention their potential emotional partner to their significant other. Phrases like, “Oh, Taylor said something funny today,” or “When I was getting lunch with Taylor, she brought some delicious chocolate,” can indicate an inappropriate level of closeness. While these comments don’t directly imply an affair, they suggest that this individual is a significant presence in their partner’s mind.
Another red flag is when someone frequently discusses a specific individual, only to abruptly stop. This sudden silence could indicate an attempt to conceal feelings of guilt. They might be aware of the emotional investment they’re making and prefer not to highlight that person to their partner.
For instance, when Michael asks about Alex, Sarah might respond defensively, “What are you talking about? You have nothing to worry about.” In this moment, she is aware that she is building a connection with Alex, demonstrating little regard for the implications it could have on her relationship.
Hiding Their Phone
Similar to any form of infidelity, emotional affairs create deep connections, often mirroring the intensity found in many romantic relationships. Unlike physical affairs, where emotional connections might not exist, emotional infidelity thrives on intimacy and shared experiences. This often leads to a sense of “us versus them,” where partners confide in each other, dealing with stress while fostering a forbidden longing that can rapidly escalate.
Secretive communication frequently powers these emotional connections. If an individual initiates texting with another during inappropriate moments, like while out with friends, it can reinforce the “us versus them” fantasy.
If you notice your partner hiding their phone, keeping it at arm’s length, or exhibiting discomfort at you looking at it, this is a strong indicator that something may be amiss. To put it simply: if someone is hiding their phone, they are likely hiding something. While this statement may feel overly simplistic, it effectively encapsulates potential issues. For example, if someone is drinking a lot of water, they are probably thirsty, just as hiding their phone suggests they may have something to conceal.
Interest in New Hobbies
Exploring new hobbies is a healthy pursuit and let’s be honest, stagnation isn’t beneficial. However, if your partner suddenly exhibits heightened enthusiasm for specific hobbies or events while discouraging you from joining, it could signal deeper issues at play. A spouse who engages in new interests to connect more with a colleague or “friend” may be subconsciously seeking to deepen their bond.
Take Robert as an example. He recently began exercising and became committed to physical fitness. This shift coincides with his growing relationship with Taylor, who often shares her fitness interests with him. Despite his previous lack of enthusiasm for such activities, his connection with Taylor seems to have reignited a desire to embrace these interests, perhaps unconsciously as a means of nurturing their bond.
What to Do About It
When it comes to dealing with emotional affairs, there are three potential outcomes:
Remaining silent when suspecting emotional infidelity is a recipe for relationship failure. If you believe your partner is engaging in such behavior, it’s crucial to address your concerns directly. Open communication is essential. Think of it like this, if you say nothing, you will go along for the ride, and you don’t know where the final destination is.
Emotional infidelity is serious and should not be dismissed lightly. It often serves as a precursor to physical affairs. What may start as friendship can quickly evolve into something more. If you find yourself grappling with emotional infidelity, whether it’s a present issue or something from your past, remember that you don’t have to navigate this alone.
In therapy, we often explore communication styles, unconscious patterns, and family beliefs surrounding infidelity. Together, we can delve into the dynamics of dating, relationships, and expectations. If you’re struggling with past or current relationships, please reach out to me.
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