You’re on a date with Marc.

You met him through mutual friends and, one way or another, it turned into a date. He’s decent looking, but by no means an Instagram superstar. He makes jokes that land sometimes and comes off a little nervous. He’s trying. He’s polite. He asks you questions about yourself.  This is all… fine.

By the time you’re done ordering drinks and getting hors d’oeuvres, something dreadful has happened, you’re not feeling that electricity. No spark. No butterflies. Marc seems boring. Everything about him feels predictable and within the first 30 minutes of your date, you’ve already mapped out that this isn’t going to work.

You excuse yourself to use the restroom so you can text your friend and arrange some kind of emergency to get you out of the date. Your friend is blowing up your phone with ideas and strategies to escape. You get through the date, and eventually you find yourself ghosting his messages. You tell yourself it’s kinder to just let it fade away than to tell him directly, that you’re just not feeling it. In your mind, it’s simple, no spark, no second date.  

A month later, you meet Ryan at an outdoor concert.

Ryan is the complete opposite of Marc. He’s witty, mysterious, sexually forward but somehow still hard to get. He’s a parts supplier for motorcycles. He’s decent looking, but there’s a hint of danger in his eyes, in the way he carries himself, in the way he leans in close when he talks.

You exchange numbers and he suggests meeting up later that night for drinks. He’s so forward and confident that you immediately feel that spark, that electricity, the butterflies. This is what you’ve been waiting for!

Over the next few months, you’re over the moon with Ryan. It’s fun, exciting, and with maybe the exception of one or two of your more cautious friends, everyone thinks he’s amazing. You’re constantly telling stories about him. You feel chosen. Desired. Alive.

Then you find out he’s been texting other girls on Instagram.

When you try to talk to him, he gets angry and dismissive. He flips it on you, makes you feel like you’re overreacting, too sensitive, too dramatic. It’s like you don’t know up from down anymore. The same person who made you feel so special now makes you question your own reality. 

Eventually, everything falls apart and you’re single again. You might not even trust men at this point.

So, what happened?

Marc and the “Stable Man” Archetype

Let’s go back to Marc for a moment.

Marc represents what I’ll call the “stable man archetype” or an Everyman. He was stable and consistent. He was able to convey his intentions without a lot of games. He followed through, texted when he said he would, and moved at a pace that was actually more comfortable for a nervous system that wants safety.

But here’s the problem, that didn’t spike your dopamine, oxytocin, or adrenaline right away.

You had already mapped out what the date was going to look like and probably the next day as well. There was no real mystery or roller coaster. Your brain labeled him as predictable, and in our current culture, predictable often gets confused with boring.

Realistically, could Marc have upped his game a bit? Sure. A little more playfulness, a slightly more confident presence, maybe some better conversation starters. But that’s not really the point.

The deeper question is this, what happens in you when there isn’t an immediate hit of excitement?

By giving Marc a chance, you would have been allowing your body and brain time to build those slower chemical connections. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) builds over time through consistency, reliability, and safety. That slow, steady familiarity is what eventually creates the feeling of “I miss him” even if that wasn’t there in the beginning.

The reason you might be chasing electric butterflies is because we live in a culture that tells us love is always instant chemistry. Love is always a dopamine hit. If you don’t feel it right away, you’re told, it’s just not there.

Social media is built around dopamine hits, a variable-ratio reward schedule of scrolling. Just like when you’re on Instagram or Facebook, if something doesn’t immediately interest you, you keep scrolling. You’re trained to ignore anything that doesn’t grab you instantly.

When that framework gets taken out of the internet and put into real life, many people start to believe that a lack of immediate fireworks means there’s a lack of value.

That is not the case.

Sometimes, no fireworks just means your nervous system isn’t used to calm.

Ryan and the “Bad Boy” Archetype

Now, let’s talk about Ryan.

Ryan is the bad boy archetype, or Rebel. His skill set is knowing how to spark dopamine. He’s charming, he knows exactly what to say, and he knows how to create intensity quickly. He’s hard to read and, in many ways, emotionally unavailable. 

He’s adventurous and outgoing. One minute, he’s all in with you, calling you, complimenting you, wanting to see you. The next minute, he disappears. He doesn’t respond to your text messages for a day. You’re left to sit in the anxiety, refreshing your messages, wondering what you did wrong.

You’re unknowingly chasing the push/pull.

Because of his confidence, he creates an illusion of safety. He seems like he knows what he’s doing, where he’s going, and what he wants. But due to his chaotic, inconsistent behavior, there’s also a thrill of danger.

That mixture of confidence plus unpredictability, is a very powerful cocktail for your brain. Anxiety + attraction can feel like chemistry. Your nervous system starts to confuse activation with connection.

Marc is the equivalent of scrolling on social media and seeing an ad for a chiropractor.

Ryan, on the other hand, is the equivalent of seeing an ad for your new favorite Netflix romance show. It’s full of drama, twists, longing, makeups, breakups, and passionate reunions.

If you’re honest with yourself, which one are you going to stop on?

Most people don’t pause their scroll for the chiropractor, even though the chiropractor might be the one who keeps them walking comfortably for the next 30 years. They stop for what entertains, excites, and overstimulates.

Romantic attraction, for many people, is wired in a very similar way.

How Your Past Shapes Your Type

There’s a real possibility that the following are just a few examples of things that shape your romance and ideas of love…

– The way you grew up  

– The fantasies you’ve carried  

– Your unspoken “shadow” or soul image  

– Your attachment style  

– Your early relationship schemas  

These have all combined to create an expectation of romance that is now getting in the way of your love life.

Within all of us, there are unconscious processes and unrealized archetypes; parts of us that live beneath the surface and quietly pull the strings. Your type is rarely just a preference. It’s often a reflection of…

– The love you saw modeled (or didn’t see) growing up  

– The stories you absorbed from movies, books, and social media 

– Old wounds that are still looking for resolution  

There’s a possibility that when you’re in the presence of “boring,” it reminds you of a time in your life that you don’t want to look at; maybe a quiet, lonely home, emotionally distant parents, or relationships you saw as flat and uninspiring. You might unconsciously equate calm with feeling stuck, or predictability with being trapped.

It could also be that due to the stress of your life, your job, and your big dreams, you see the safe guy as a threat, not because he’s dangerous, but because commitment feels like it might get in the way of your fantasies.

What Relationships Actually Need

Relationships are more complicated than instant fireworks. They need a healthy emotional connection, stability and reliability, shared values and mutual respect, forward, united momentum with two people choosing to grow together, the ability to repair after conflict, and kindness, day in and day out.

Love that grows together, over time, can be incredibly powerful. There is love that starts with a thunderclap, and there is love that starts with a quiet, “I feel really safe with you.” Both can be real. But one is much more likely to last than the other.

Over time, calm plus safety can become attraction. Slow burning attraction might not look as exciting on Instagram, but it often feels much more grounding in real life.

Now, ladies, I am by no means saying you must date someone you find boring. I’m not saying that if a person doesn’t feel right for you, you’re obligated to keep seeing them.

Not at all.

What I am suggesting is this, if you’re chasing instant, electric butterflies as your main compass, you might end up repeatedly disappointed.  The rebel might not actually be the partner you’re longing for, he may just be the one who’s best at activating your nervous system. 

The person you’re truly looking for might be the one who ignites those butterflies on the second date, or even the third. once your guard lowers enough to feel safe, and safety has a chance to become desire. When calm and safety start to combine and form attraction, the bond that emerges can be incredibly strong. It’s quieter at first, but much more stable in the long run.

What can we do about it? 

Over the years, I’ve worked with many men and women who feel stuck in these same relationship cycles. These are a few things that we work on…

– Unconscious processes such as hidden patterns driving your choices  

– Your wants, hopes, and fears in love  

– What your idealized relationship looks like and where that image came from  

– Old relationships that didn’t work out, and understanding why, on a deeper level  

When people are willing to slow down and really look at what’s going on beneath the surface, something powerful happens, their type can start to shift. Their nervous system learns what healthy love actually feels like. And from there, many go on to find relationships that are deeply fulfilling.

If any part of the story above stands out to you, if you recognize yourself in the chase for electric butterflies, or in the pattern of choosing Ryans over Marcs, I’d encourage you to reach out.

My information is at the bottom of the page, or you can head over to the contact section. You don’t have to untangle this alone.